Being a parent is a journey filled with immense joy, but it can also be accompanied by a significant amount of guilt, often referred to as "mommy guilt."
Sarah, a mother of two young children, often felt overwhelmed by guilt. She worked full-time and relied on a full-time helper, Nana, to help with the household activities. When she engaged the helper, her idea was to utilize Nana for the chores and create time for her to spend with the kids. But soon Sarah got a new assignment at work and her office hours became longer.
As Sarah got busier at work, Nana’s role extended to the children duties. There were days when Sarah wouldn’t make it before bedtime and Nana filled in. Nana was a beautiful soul who cared for the children as her own. The children did not miss Sarah much.
One night when Sarah was tucking the children into bed, her younger daughter Charlotte, wanted her to sing a lullaby like Nana aunty would do. When Sarah said she cannot sing but can read a book, Charlotte tried pushing her boundaries asking for Nana to get her into bed. Sarah spoke soothingly to Charlotte and managed to get her into bed.
Afterwards, Sarah was overwhelmed with guilt. A feeling that she was not there for her children, especially in the precious growing up stages. A doubt whether she was being selfish in prioritizing her career over her children.
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Let’s explore what mommy guilt is, why it happens, and how you can manage it effectively to find a healthier balance.
Mommy guilt is the feeling of not doing enough or not being good enough as a parent. It’s the internal struggle many mothers face, questioning their decisions and actions regarding their children. This guilt can stem from various sources, such as comparing yourself to other parents, societal expectations, or even your own high standards.
Understanding and recognizing the signs of mommy guilt is the first step in managing it. Here are some common indicators:
- Constant self-doubt and second-guessing your parenting decisions.
- Feeling like you’re failing your child in some way.
- Comparing yourself unfavourably to other parents.
- Experiencing anxiety or stress related to parenting choices.
In the quest for perfection, it’s easy to forget that perfection is an illusion. No one is a perfect parent, and that’s okay. Embracing imperfection means accepting that you will make mistakes and that these mistakes do not define your worth as a parent. Remember, your child doesn’t need a perfect parent; they need a loving, caring, and present one.
One effective strategy to combat perfectionism is to personify your inner critic. Imagine your inner voice not as a strict judge but as a quirky character – perhaps a squirrel named Filbert. When you start feeling inadequate, picture Filbert frantically arranging acorns. This visualization helps inject humour into the situation, making it easier to dismiss irrational thoughts.
Set achievable goals and be realistic about what you can and cannot do. Prioritize tasks and let go of the notion that you need to do everything. It’s okay to delegate or ask for help. Setting realistic expectations for yourself can reduce the pressure you feel and alleviate some of the guilt.
Quality over quantity is crucial when it comes to spending time with your child. Engaging in meaningful activities that you both enjoy can strengthen your bond and alleviate feelings of guilt. Whether it’s reading a book together, playing a game, or simply talking, these moments matter more than being constantly available.
Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you are doing your best and that it’s okay to have off days. Practicing self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Recognize your efforts and celebrate small victories.
Talking to other parents who understand what you’re going through can be incredibly validating. Support groups, parenting forums, or simply confiding in a friend can provide a sense of community and help you realize that you’re not alone in your feelings.
When you catch yourself thinking negatively, try to reframe those thoughts. Instead of thinking, “I’m a bad mom because I couldn’t make it to my child’s event,” reframe it to, “I’m doing my best to balance everything, and it’s okay to miss some things.”
Sarah spoke to a parenting coach to process her feelings. She worked out her priorities at work. And she decided that getting kids into bed was sacrosanct in her priorities. She had a conversation at work and was able to leave work on time every day. She was able to reduce her guilt and become an everyday parent.
Mommy guilt is a common experience, but it doesn’t have to dominate your parenting journey. By embracing imperfection, setting realistic expectations, focusing on quality time, practicing self-compassion, seeking support, and reframing negative thoughts, you can manage and reduce guilt. Remember, you are enough, and your best is more than sufficient for your child.
If you find yourself struggling with these feelings, seeking professional support can be beneficial. At Bricks and Blocks Coaching, we offer tailored support to help parents navigate their unique challenges and find a path that works for them.
Reach out to us to learn more about how we can assist you in your parenting journey.
